Today was something of a vacation for your friend Alan. I decided to spend a day enjoying some of the finer things in life. For instance, I watched every episode of Firefly. Again. And the movie. I enjoyed spaghetti with lots of garlic. I even set myself up a play-by-post role-playing game. This is not very characteristic for me, but I decided to indulge. Why? Because I knew that, tonight, I had to spend an hour of my life listening to 15 minutes of Out of the Ashes and mercilessly ripping it a new one. Or trying to, at least.
I won't even bother stalling. I just want to get over with this, so I can move on to another book. Besides, we get new riffing material soon.
When we last left Ben, he had ignored the Call again. This is particularly stupid for several reasons. Firstly, because Raines has already shown that he believes that only those with his particular ideology deserve to rule. Secondly, because he's just discovered that Hilton Logan is planning to make himself Overlord of the Americas. Thirdly because he's already antagonized said future Overlord. And fourthly because he's the unofficial leader of the only force capable of challenging Logan's rule. Were I Raines, I would seek shelter with said force, for a very easy-to-see reason. Were I in future-President Logan's shoes, I would have every assassin I had sent to kill Raines. Instead, we have the idiot general from the last update. Why would a general personally try to kill him? Is there any reason for this man to be there, beyond his ability to expound upon the plot? Get used to stupid, folks; we don't see a competent villain for a dozen or two books.
After blowing off the Rebs, Ben heads south. Why? So he can find more material for his damned book. Why is he still going with that idea? Well, two reasons.
1) I now think that Johnstone was being paid by the word, and he really wanted that new Honda.
2) So that we can meet the future main characters.
So, Ben Goes South. He forgets the Rebels, encounters some zombies and hostiles, visits the sites of a pair of lynchings (one of a black man, one of a white man), and generally travels throughout the state. And then, the most awful thing imaginable happens. Ben tunes into a working radio station run by a man named Ike McGowan.
The station's call sign is KUNT. This treated as one of the funniest jokes in the novel.
Raines tracks down McGowan's tower, where he finds that McGowan is a former Navy SEAL who somehow survived World War 3 and managed to cobble together a working radio tower. It turns out McGowan has companions. All of them beautiful young women whose main characteristic is that they wear nothing but bikinis. And they all jiggle. That's about it.
REALITY CHECK!
Even if he is a former SEAL, what are the odds of Ike McGowan, who's weight problem is brought up many times throughout the book, surviving not only WW3, but the chaos immediately following it. And maintaining his weight, might I add. In addition, why are a bunch of nubile young women hanging around with him? It's one fat man who's broadcasting his location to the world. In any semi-realistic world, this place would have been swarmed and overtaken years ago. The women would have been carted away, McGowan would have been killed, and it wouldn't matter how good a warrior he is or how well these ladies aim. If you have the food and supplies to do all this, you are a valid target. In addition, even if McGowan somehow radiates a sheer aura of awesome that drives away any potential attackers, why would they stay with him? He's a foul-mouthed idiot who thinks he's funny. This is not the most compelling man on Earth. In fact, in the real world, I'd imagine that they'd all be dead or worse a hundred times over.
But this is Johnstone's world. In this world, a Good Republican Military Man cannot be killed unless the plot dictates it, and only then when it makes no sense for them to.
So, Ben introduced himself to the heavily armed Ike and his harem. This is a complete derailment of his character; they're pointing guns at them, yet he lets them live! And he gives them his real name! You'd think that, after the first attempted assassination, he'd be a little more wary of giving out his name, but hey, I'm trying to apply logic to Out of the Ashes. Ike, it turns out, is a Rebel. Why he's not with the main bunch who are supposedly heading Northwest is never really explained. He also introduced his harem to Raines. They're introduced, word for word, as follows.
"This one here's Tater, and that one's Junebug, and that one there's Space-Baby, and that one is Angelface. The blond is Honeypooh. That dark one all sprawled out on the floor, too goddamned lazy to get up is Bellringer. "
Does anyone else feel like they've just been looking over slabs of meat? Why the stupid names? Why are they even here? Bellringer serves a purpose; she's Ike's love interest. But what possible purpose do the rest of them serve, aside from providing fanservice? They never do anything important! YOU DO NOT INTRODUCE CHARACTERS WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO BE THERE!
*Groan*
Anyway, after that unpleasantness is over, Ike reveals that he has a working generator that gives them light. Ike is supposed to be smart; he becomes a general by the next book. Why, then, would he use electronic lights? That would bring looters like moths to a light, no matter what you broadcast on the airwaves. And why would you broadcast it anyway? Were I in this situation, I'd ignore any broadcasts offhand. What're the odds that it's bandits trying to lure you into a trap?
Leaving aside the more stupid bits, this section of the novel is completely pointless. Sure, it introduces Ike, a major character, but what is the point of it? He could have been introduced in a much better situation before or after this, if you really had to include the half-naked women. And again, why the women? Why are they almost naked?
I'm skipping ahead to the end of this little visit, because the rest of it is, again, completely pointless. Oh, I forgot; this is actually where Johnstone states his racial views while providing the tiniest bit of Ike's backstory. According to Ike-Johnstone, anyone who is a criminal or any less moral than he is is automatically given a racial slur. He's rather fond of using "nigger" to describe black villains. Aside from this though, the only thing that happens for the rest of this part of the novel is that Ben marries Bellringer, real name Megan, and Ike. Oh, and it's revealed that most of Ben's future policy comes from his books. That's right; the fictional counterpart of Johnstone is trying to live the life he wrote for his own fictional counterpart. Does this strike anyone else as creepy, stupid, and/or insane? One wonders what would have happened if WW3 had broken out during Johnstone's lifetime...
After marrying two flat characters and masturbating over the idea of Johnstone's idea of perfect government, Ike and his harem leave the tower and head of Mississippi and the new nation of New Africa. Raines starts writing his book, then starts masturbating again. He apparently does this all winter. So it's been at least a year since WW3. Ben's apparently lived off of what he salvaged back from his home for the winter he spent with Jerre, since they were apparently holed up for the entire season, and they continued to keep him until now. The narrator talks a lot about the looting the country's gone through, always in a disgusted tone, but we never actually hear Raines having to scavenge for some food. I don't know why; I can already think of a very interesting scene or two based on it. You could further develop his character, other characters also rummaging for food, force him to actually interact with the faceless masses. But no; apparently, as Ubermensch, Ben is above such thing.
Ben travels to Knoxville, where he discovers, gasp, And they're actual people working to rebuild civilization! And they're not (yet) Rebels! This provides, again, what could have been an interesting scene. It turns out that Logan is now President and resettling people into several centralized areas of three or four states, focused on getting agriculture, industry, business, etc. going again, then expanding into the West again when the nation is back on its feet. And people are going along with it. And, of course, this is treated as the stupidest thing since the Germans ignored the concentration camps.
I'll end this here, because it's getting a bit long, but I want to end with one rather pertinent thought:
Why is this a bad thing? Unless I'm missing something big, it's actually the best strategy presented in the whole series. Concentrate your power and ensure the safety of the people by bringing them into a concentrated, easier-to-defend area. Build your power, get your economy and industry back up to snuff. Then, when you're ready, expand West, using your military to crush any would-be warlords that have arisen in your absence, after giving them an opportunity to rejoin your new USA quietly. Certainly better than Raines' own plan later, which involves stretching his forces so thin that his most constant problem is lack of personnel. In fact, if we hadn't already been informed that Hilton Logan is evil, then we could continue painting him as a hero just doing what he thinks is right. And, for all we know, the general was lying. Hell, here's a scenario for you:
Rogue, pro-dictatorship elements in the Army sent a group of criminals to meet Raines and told them what to say. The criminals are told that, if they say their lines and then kill Raines, they'll be free. It's odd, but hey, it's a shot. If they killed Raines, then the Rebels, a threat to this rogue group's plans for their own personal dictatorship, are crippled. If they fail, then they ensure that the Rebels and the New US will do their damndest to kill each other. It's the perfect plan, especially when dealing with Ben Raines, who already has an insane grudge against the New US's leader, Hilton Logan, and has proven to be insanely gullible when it suits his needs.
I would love to rewrite this one day.
Well, farewell, and may all your books be better than this one. Not that it's that hard...Eragon was better than this. Hell, ANTHEM was better than this...
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